Journeys of delusion: The personal diary of Jennifer Gray - Episode 3

Posted on behalf of Author @firefox101

I kept hearing the voices continually, but that didn't stop me from using the drugs - I didn't make the connection that they were the cause, or at least the catalyst to my schizophrenia. The ongoings with the voices on a daily basis were pretty much of annoyance and humiliation. It got so bad that I went to the toilet with a towel over my head to avoid being seen, because they ridiculed me and laughed at me at very personal times. What made things worse is that they were now a whole group of people that I was hearing inside my head - they seemed to be a group of people who had spotted me at a club, who took drugs just the same. But I was lesser than they - I wasn't cool enough, I was someone to trample over and use to have a good time. I was appalled that such people existed in the world, it only made me feel worse that I was subject to this kind of behaviour. I was alone, no one believed me that there were cameras. People thought that I was crazy. I began to isolate more and more, turn to my drugs more and more - My addiction to the voices grew as I tried to figure out who they were. I thought that figuring out who they were would make a difference, I'm not sure why?!

I was thin, athough thin was my natural frame, the drugs had taken their toll. The voices made fun of my body, anorexic they repeated over and over with such satisfied hatred coming from the female voice. They're just jealous I tried to tell myself which only bought me more scoffs. They made me feel so bad, I've never felt so bad in my life, and why did I care so much about what they thought?! They made remarks about the way I ate - which made it more clear to me that there were cameras - there had to be, how else could they see how I ate. It got so bad that I cried while I slowly ate every mouthful. I began to change my habits, used a new towel everyday, because I felt unclean, got rid of clothes because the voices laughed at me. And some things I felt that I would never change - every time I did those things despite the voices I felt defiant and contentious, In short my emotions became pretty unpleasant.

I smoked more weed to make out more clearly what they were saying, seems really foolish right?! The truth is there was a voice - a male voice, I called him Ryan and I was in love with him and he was in love with me. He was nice to me, he cared for me, even defended me. But nevertheless was still betraying me, yet I was the one who had to tip toe around him with my thoughts - can you imagine how embarrassing it is for people to hear your thoughts? Especially those awkward moments (from the movie inside out "the triple dent gum song" - that replay over and over for no reason) I was ashamed. Nevermind that some of the thoughts seemed to be placed there by the girls, thoughts that I would never think. I began to be afraid to think. It was painful, I had no privacy, I was exposed and vulnerable and needed to be loved. Ryan only made things worse because the girls just wanted to torture him and it made it hard since the voice I called Shivonne was in love with him too. And the truth is I even felt bad for her. So many times I've had pity for my voices - I think it was one of my downfalls.

Things began to get out of hand when I finally got to the point where the voices could be someone I know. The betrayal sank in and then the anger and then the fights between me and the voices - sometimes I gave them such a mouthful that I didn't hear them for a while. Other times I got laughed at and they commented as they did so, "look at her, look at her" which only made me feel so ashamed and hopeless. I was trying to get through to the stupidest people on the planet, not to mention people with low moral standards. These are my voices... these are me, I refuse to accept that, because how can I be so disgusting? and why would I do this to myself? My husband believes I've hidden a part of myself that I havnt allowed to be there - which makes sense, it's just been so badly neglected that its far out of hand and exaggerated.

Please upvote, reblog, follow, if you like and want to see more.