Journeys of delusion: The personal diary of Jennifer Gray - Episode 2

Posted on behalf of Author @firefox101

I was heavily depressed by the time I hit 21, which was escalated by my cocaine and marijuana abuse. The first time I heard the voices was on new years eve 2008, I had taken ecstacy and I could "hear through walls". I was paranoid and confused, but had the strongest desire to hear what was being said, especially since it involved Gary's parents talking about how I stashed weed in my little bag. I was nervous, only thinking of it now I notice that there was excitement to it as well. I sabotaged myself from the get go. I was intrigued - the desire to listen, to hear what was being said was so strong and came from a desperate need to protect myself from what I was hearing. These feelings were covering up the guilt I felt of using drugs in Gary's parents house, and because Gary had had a psychotic breakdown a few months before that. We were foolish, reckless and young.

I had grown up in a household where my parents believed in eastern philisophical views - that included telepathy. I was cursed, especially since accepting the voices as me is the biggest key to eliminating this condition. I was doomed to fail because I believed innocently and full heartedly in telepathy, as had been taught in my childhood home.

Of course I had no idea I was hearing voices, I just had super hearing, and Gary of course thought nothing of it. It felt like the universe was conspiring against me, I was uncomfortable. The worst part about it was that his parents seemed to behave according to what I'd heard. I let it go and moved on.

I hadnt heard the voices for a few months, until one night I used cocaine again. I wrote down on a piece of paper I'm hearing two people talking inside my head, I obviously hadnt noticed them properly and then it hit me, full blown psychosis...
I heard them saying how stupid these people were, as if they were in our garden. I then heard a comment about what I was actually doing, and then I realised, these people can see me - then came my desperate search for the cameras. It was a male and a female voice I was hearing. I looked all over my room, desperately trying to find this camera, the only conclusion I had was that they had to be tiny about the size of a pin. I began searching every dot I could find. I didn't know what to do. I was hot headed and started to fight with the voices, who were of course my neighbours who i could hear talking inside their house next door. I decided to give the women a name, her name was Jezabel, she was a snake - and Jezabel seemed fitting for someone who could be so evil to belittle someone and spy on someone and mock them while they were being free to be themselves in their home. Then I realised theyd been in my house to put the cameras there and they'd stolen my belly rings and I angrily told her to return them. She threw a tantrum and threw the belly rings down the toilet. I then realised I was not in any position to treat these people like this because they were the ones with all the power. It was up to them whether they were going to continue watching me and I had little evidence that my neighbours had actually put cameras there, especially since these cameras were undetectable.
I humbled myself and began to plea to them "please come and get your cameras, I wont tell anybody about this, we can keep it a secret" - and I truly meant that. I unlocked my gate and waited for them to arrive whilst i had a cigarette. No one came. It was a long night.
The next day I told my mom that I was hearing our neighbours talking through the walls. She phoned them but they didn't answer. Then my mom realised I was hearing voices, and my mom unequipped to handle the situation, broke down. I ran to my room and screamed as I pounded my head, "I'm crazy" With great hope to appeal to the voices that they were destroying us and please needed to stop watching us. It was dramatic. My mom made me book an appointment to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me as having auditory hallucinations and put me on a drug called haloperidal. which seemed to do nothing. Not like I believed in it anyway, but I continued to take it. According to me every one was full of nonsense, I knew what was going on not them. How could they tell me I was crazy? The thought couldn't even register in my mind.

This was the start to a long drawn out psychosis which took me to some of the darkest places the human mind can go, the intensity of fear I've felt to be so vulnerable as a victim in someone elses hands, powerless to do anything but be mocked and ridiculed - simply a play thing as people took satisfaction out of my misery.
As I said I've been hurt deeply hurt, unknowingly by myself.
I have schizophrenia - this is something I must accept - but how?!