"How can I ease agonizing thoughts about my girlfriend’s past relationships?"

in #relationship7 years ago

Excerpt: Let's face it, in the 21st century it is unlikely that people marry their first partner; not only that, a free person would not want an inexperienced partner. I am not talking only about sexual experience, but about being in multiple relationships in order to understand who we are, to work with the many aspects within us and then come to the ultimate relationship as a solid whole rather than a fragmented human. However, no matter how evolved one is, there is the human aspect that brings up issues of jealousy and fear that if not addressed might ruin the most promising relationship. The bottom line is to understand that we are more than flesh, thoughts, and memories.

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credit: pixabay

Hello,
Perhaps I am being hypocritical, but each time I fall in love with a girl I find it terrible and even impossible to imagine her past relationships; how she kissed other men and had sex with them etc. I feel as if someone invaded my territory.
When I think about it I feel threatened even though I love fondling, kissing, having flings and casual sex; but that’s only for me. As I say I might be a hypocrite.
I realize that sex is fun and a girl is not expected to wait all her life until she finds me. Am I overvaluing physical touch? Can you take this tormenting thought from my mind?
Ethan

Ethan,

I have a constructive advice for you. But let’s begin with what not to do.

Do not ignore your girlfriend’s past. What this means is if she wants to share the experiences she had with other men in the past with you do not tell her: “I don’t want to hear about it”. If she wants to tell you about it she surely has a good reason; perhaps to ease a burden that she has been carrying for a long time. Perhaps only now, when she found someone strong and caring enough, who she trusts, is she able to open her heart. Do not, therefore, reject her attempts but let her talk. It may hurt you to just be silent and listen; you may get upset, but no matter what she says do not show her what you feel. Restrain yourself and at the first opportunity work on those angry feelings and inner pain. What do I mean?

The pain – emotional and physical – that you feel because of your spouse’s past relationships stems from limited perceptions that you hold about human beings. Check yourself vis-à-vis the following statements and wherever you disagree, know that you have lessons to learn:

  • The past does not really exist. It is just an illusion in your imagination. What matters is the present and the now moment within the present. Does your spouse live with you in the present or does she always talk about her past? If the former then you should also leave the past and live with her in the present.

  • Biologically speaking, the human body completely replaces its cells every seven years. The girl you touch today is physically not the one that lived seven years ago let alone the one that you will be with seven years from now.

  • Do you fully trust your girlfriend? Perhaps her past bothers you because you fear that her seeming sexual permissiveness means infidelity? If it is a question of trust, work on it.

The human being is much more than flesh and blood. A TrueLove relationship is a communication between two spirits that are embodied in a physical body. Therefore, your relationship is based on deeper levels than the physical.

The choices that your girlfriend made in her past, no matter how horrendous you may find them to be, were done by certain aspects of the whole Self that you now perceive to be your girlfriend. She is not that person from her past but much more of her whole self. Judging her past decisions is like judging the acts of an entirely different human being. It’s pointless and inappropriate.

And lastly, although it may seem irrelevant to you, do you use pornographic material? If so, you are recommended to cease such behavior as it imprints in one’s mind twisted perceptions regarding men, women and the nature of their relationship, and creates an unbalanced dynamic between the male and female aspects within you. I will elaborate on this issue in another post.

Good Luck!


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That's what I noticed to myself too, I'm fan of porn and I realized that my true nature of being a man was altered and the more I watched porn the more it prevent me from having sex with my GF, And I'm becoming less emotional to my GF and I'm the one who blame to separation with my GF. That's should be my Lesson that i will never forget and it will never happen again.

Indeed.
I will address the issue of pornograohy in a coming post.
For now, I'll just say, that the reason to abstain from pornograohy, as a rule, is not based in morality or religion, but the consciousness of the parties involved.

I have a friend like this. She’s a girl tho, her boyfriend right now is her first bf but she was not the first gd of course. She actually told us about the past of the guy since the guy talk about it so openly to her and she just listen and she loves listening about the past of the guy. The thing is there are times that those past are hunting her too, she’s always thinking about what if’s in their relationship specially the kind of work the guy has- seaman. They are still together and I think it is because both of them are living in the now moment instead of focusing about the bad past of each other.

If you are in a relationship,a true relationship you should not bring up her past. You should get it very clear that it can be painful. If the answers of questions u have been wondering about like :
How many people she’ve slept with?
How many times she’ve been in love?
... etc were not only in 1's & 2's but more than that it can really be a heartbreak warfare.
So just try to be positive. Remove these thoughts from your mind and find ways to live a happy and peaceful life with her.

Indeed. As a rule, the more relationships one had in their past the better. Relationships are the fastest way to grow.

Exactly! 😊

The words you highlighted about the relationship were very great.
In our present society, this problem is now getting more. I would say that men are doing this much. Men are involved in many things before marriage, and after engaging in physical relationships. Later, the girls were in trouble for him. Girls always give up about these issues. But how many days?
Girls will not find any solution? Will they always tolerate this?
How much will they sacrifice?

Indeed, how much more? 🤔

היי דוד, אני ממש לא מסכים, ולדעתי זו חשיבה לא נכונה.

  • אני לא יודע אם יש מחקר על זה אבל מוכן להתערב איתך שככל שמתרבים בני זוג כך הסיכויים לנישואים מוצלחים פוחת. לפי המצב של היום ומה שאתה אומר אחוז הגירושין אמור להיות נמוך הרבה מבעבר, אבל ההיפך הוא הנכון.
  • אתה כותב שהעבר הוא לא קיים שהוא רק אשליה בדימיון, לפי ההיגיון הזה בגידה היא בעבר ההוא/ההיא העכשווי הוא כבר מישהו חדש.
  • גברים רבים ירגישו את הכאב כמו שאתה מתאר האם כולם טועים? זאת ההרגשה הטבעית שלהם. "אם היא רוצה לספר על זה יש לה בטח סיבה טובה" אם הוא כועס על זה יש לו בטח סיבה טובה.

זהו בקצרה כמובן הכל נכתב ברוח טובה, שיהיה אחלה יום.

ברור ברוח טובה😊
הנושא מורכב וארוך לדיון ולכן אתייחס לנקודה של שיעור הגרושין.
הם עולים כי אנשים מתחתנים בלי הרבה נסיון ומאוד מהר מגלים שבן הזוג לא מספק להם את מלוא הטווח שהם צריכים. טווח נפשי, אישיותי, אני מתכוון.
לו בני הזוג היו עם יותר ניסיון הם היו מביאים לקשר יותר שלמות.
הראיה היא שאחוזי הגרושים בנישואים שניים נמוכים יותר.

אכן נושא מורכב וארוך.

  • אנשים בעבר התחתנו גם בלי ניסיון ואפילו הרבה פחות, אך הנישואים שלהם החזיקו יותר, אם זה בגלל שהיו מוכנים לעבוד על הבעיות שלהם(בעיות יש תמיד גם בחתונה עשירית) וידעו שזה לכל החיים לא יהי מה. במעט שונה ממה שאתה כותב אולי היום זה בגלל:
    limited perceptions that you hold about life.
    ולא Humans Beings
  • זה לא נראה לי ראיה, האם נלקח בחשבון שנישואים שניים בדרך כלל באים בגיל מאוחר יותר, בגיל בו המוח עובד יותר מהרגשות(אצל שני הצדדים) האם נלקח בחשבון שבדרך כלל אלה נישואיים 'כלכליים' יותר.. או אפילו מניעת 'תווית' גרוש שנית יכול לרסן מחשבות על גירושים.

ישנו הבדל מהותי בין העולם שבו חיינו לפני שלושים שנה והיום. התודעה השתנתה, היום אנשים מרגישים דחף להתוודע לעצמם, להכיר את כל חלקי האישיות, חלקי הנפש. בעבר הדחף הזה לא היה. זוג היה מתחתן והיה מאוד מרוצה מהאתגר שהציבו אחד לשני לאורך עשרות שנים. היום האתגר הזה ממצה את עצמו בתוך שנה/שנתיים. וזה בסדר!
כי שוב, ואת זה עליך לזכור, היום אנחנו חיים בעידן של -
individualism
זהו חלק משמעותי מהאבולוציה שלנו כבני אדם. לא לחינם כל המערכות מסביבנו כושלות - וליטיקה, כלכלה, סביבה, דת! הכל מתכנס לנקודה אחת - האדם עצמו - שממנה עולם חדש יפרוץ.

I think that the most bolt problem is that the man and woman meet in first time, and before they really know each other thanks a lot of emotions experiences, they finally find out something that they don’t like and this is lead to conflict or suddenly too end this relationship.
Thank you for this post. It is let me really to think about it.

.. Which is a shame.
We should realize that people who come into our life carry gifts. Their past is such present!
Thanks, mate👍

@nomad-magus good counsels you have in your post and also rational however it is so difficult to implement them because of emotional reasons.
We have to work on ourselves to do so. Jealous is a difficult "sickness"...

Indeed. And I have gone through every situation that I am speaking of and I know there is a light at the end of the emotional tunnel.
Emotions come from the mind, and once you release the thought process, remain in the now moment, practice self-love - jealousy will disappear.

This is reality. maximum people have this ptoblem but i think everyone have a bad past. so what? just ignore your past & follow presnt and future. everything will be ok when we trust our life partner from our heart. i like this topice because i had a friend, he face the same problem but now he is happy with his partner.

Good for your friend!
He managed to reconcile, make peace, with his past, and therefore he attracted a partner that is not bothered about that past.

yes. still he is happy for his new life. he move on his life well.

What is the relationship between youth in a relationship? Physical relationship can not be the main issue. Everyone has to be past. Now if I have a girlfriend in the past, if she has a girlfriend in the past, and if she kissing the girl, has a physical relationship, then what will I do? Shall i forgive him? Or will you give up? Or will I start to forget about the past?
The suggestion that you gave him gave a great suggestion. In fact, our mentality should be such.

If I was in my place, I would have started my life with a forgiving person who could forgive me. But it was right that I used to suffer much from the mind, I could never forget it.
If you don't mind, what would you do if you used to personally face this problem?

I understood the situations to be like this:
You have a boyfriend and you saw him kissing his ex-girlfriend, right? And you are asking what to do?

This is not about dealing with the past. This is very much the present
If your boyfriend kisses another girl, against the norms of your relationship (could be [polyamory] (https://steemit.com/advice/@nomad-magus/i-fancy-a-guy-that-i-met-have-i-stopped-loving-my-boyfriend-some-words-about-polyamory), then he clearly made the choice: "I don't want to be with you; I am choosing another one".
There's nothing to debate here. Say good-bye and move on with your life.

you are right.this is not about dealing with the past. i continue my present. forget my past. i visit your link & read the advice. its too good. now i am feeling better.
yes i told my past, i forget you & now i move on my life.

The modernisation has demoralised us in such a bad way that we have lost all the hope of love that ever was magic creator. Nowadays relationships are agreements... We simply are encountered by infatuations and we mistreat them for love.

There's still hope, friend. Else you and I would not be chatting now ☺️

Yes indeed. If people continue to hope just like you and me we can restore back what actual love that was described in the old books meant...